Jane Kornegays Ambassador Page
Many Thanks to My DBSA Ambassador Network
Since I decided to go public about living with depression in school, Ive been on a depression panel speaking for the sophomore health classes, and getting questions about what its like living with anxiety and major depressive disorder w/ suicide ideation. What a mouth full!
So, here is my life story.
I was born with depression, mental illnesses run in my family. So I was a happy baby until about 3 years old. I was very concious and aware that I liked dangerous playground games, jumping off high playground structures, trying to be injured, etc. I have quite a high pain tolerance so i wouldnt really feel much pain, so i would always try to get deep scars, and jumping off even higher playground toys. When I was about 8 years old the depression just spread like a wildfire. I would start getting bruises and injuries from playing more often, I would cry myself to sleep at night, and praying that I would just die in my sleep. Then at 12 years old I started cutting, and loosing faith and hope in myself, I cried, I was so stressed out, and I felt like life was pointless, and I should really just die. This was the first time I attempted suicide. I tried overdosing, but I didnt know how much to pills to take, I was just a young kid trying to feel better, but all those medicines made me feel sick, and worse. That was how I lived till 2013. 16 years old. In Febuary I came out to my mom, I told her "all those scares, weren't from games, or clumsiness, im cutting." I got a therapist who told me that I would be better in a youth service and having a psychiatrist so we sceduled an in-take. But May 28th, a warm sunny spring day, all hell broke loose. I was at school just having panic attacks and major anxiety. I skipped 7th period and I went to my health teacher and said "im ready to go to the hospital now." Sick and tired of being sick and tired as my amazing health teacher stated. My parents picked me up, and took me straight to childrens hospital. I felts so good. It was the first time in my life that ive ever felt an amazing feeling called hope. I got admitted straight away and spent a life changing 8 days in the kids psychiatric ward learning dbt skills, and self love. I made amazing friends there that suffered from the same mental illness as me, and we leaned on each other. We had such a bond and we were all thrilled to not feel alone anymore. Jun 6th I believe, was the day I was released. I was sleeping off unit and I woke up early that morning and went to the bathroom. I rubbed my eyes, looked in the mirror and literally jumped back. I didnt recognize myself, I touched the mirror, and then I touched my face. That beautiful brown hair/brown eyed girl in the mirror was me! I smiled so big and that grin never left my face. I danced out of the hospital smiling the whole time. My release day was sunny & warm and beautiful. Since my release date ive relapsed with cutting twice, but im done now. I believe im ready for the world, and im so happy to finally feel what its like to LIVE.
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