My mother had bipolar disorder, but we never called it that. She and my father had three daughters in quick succession and she often said that it was us kids that “made her crazy”. 

She was hospitalized when I was growing up and had many shock treatments. She said the treatments were like forgetting everything and remembering it slowly so that it’s not so overwhelming. She made a mug in art therapy with my name on it, on the day she remembered my name.

Feeling responsible for her illness was an incredibly painful burden that I carried for many years. I began drinking and using drugs at an early age to numb my feelings about the conflict and chaos in my home. 

I have been in recovery from chemical dependency for almost 24 years now. I learned about the disease of alcoholism. In Al-Anon I learned the 3 C’s. I didn’t Cause the illness in anyone, I couldn’t Control or Cure the illness in anyone. I was able to see for the first time that these 3 C’s applied to my mother’s illness as well. Twelve step programs taught me life skills I had not learned at home. I learned about self-responsibility and about how to deal with feelings in healthy ways. With time, much therapy, support groups and loving family and friends I have learned to accept myself and my mother.

I have been married to my soulmate for over twenty years and we have two beautiful daughters.  Despite my history I can honestly say we were totally unprepared when our younger daughter went into a full blown bipolar psychosis at age 12. This was the most difficult challenge of my life. I felt angry at God and betrayed. My daughter was hospitalized three times that first year as we struggled to find the right doctors, therapists and medications. We struggled to keep her in school and prevent her from hurting herself or others.

Today my daughter is sixteen. She is in remission. I have a saying that this disease has a life of its own.  We live one day at a time and treasure the moments in each good day, like today. It’s probably the fact that my daughter is doing well today that gives me the courage to write about all this.

DBSA’s materials have helped me to educate family and friends about an illness that is so misunderstood. I read everything about the illness I can lay my hands on. I talk to people and share what I have learned.  Helping to raise people’s consciousness about bipolar illness and supporting those who live with its devastating effects is part of my life that keeps me grounded. I share my experience, strength and hope with others.